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(RL) The Second and Third Trimester

1.Finding Out
2.First Trimester

This whole time was a bit of a blur to me. I thought I had made peace with the fact that I was pregnant, that I was going to be a mother. In hindsight though, I really hadn't. I just told myself that I had. I kidded myself into believing that I was ok with everything that was going on and I just lived my life as normal. Looking back now I realize how isolated I had made myself. I didn't speak about my pregnancy because in my head it was no big deal. In my head I believed that I would just go rent a room with my friends and my baby and that we would all live happily ever after under one roof and there would never be a problem. Of course real life hit me eventually and I realised there was no way that I would be able to stay in London. How would I afford it? How could I go to work and pay for childcare and rent, let alone how to pay for food and clothing? How could I have a screaming baby in my house with my friends, keeping them awake at night when they have stressful jobs and work long hours? It wasn't their baby to deal with. The only way I was ever going to manage was to move back to Dublin. I hated the idea and every time I thought of it, it made me sick to my stomach. And still, I didn't talk about how sad it made me.

I was going to stay in London and have my baby there and after a couple of weeks, I was going to move home, back into my mothers house. That alone was going to kill me. How could I move back in with my mother? And with a baby too. I have a fantastic relationship with my mother, I adore her. We never fought or anything like that so I knew that wasn't going to be an issue, it was the fact that I would have no space. I had to swallow it and take it though, what else could I do? It was either spend my life with my child living in poverty in London or move home. I had to go back.

I had my 20 week scan and I found out I was having a boy. I can't really say how I felt at that point because honestly I don't remember. Most of my memories of this time was fear that I kept burying and complete numbness.

By this stage I had gotten over my fear of childbirth and I decided that I was ok with a vaginal delivery. That word is fucking gross though. I did more and more research on it and I truly believed I was going to be ok having him that way. One thing I found out about when it comes to talking about birth to some women, they can get very judgy. Like holy shit some people are really bad. I have heard people say if you have csection that you never even gave birth. I have heard women say that if you had an epidural you "failed". Are you fucking kidding me?! It's nobody's business how you give birth or why you decided to do it that way as long you made an informed decision on what you felt was best for you and your baby at the time. I am not an advocate for any type of birth, whether it was natural, medicated, unassisted... whatever. Do what you feel most comfortable with. Within reason of course. Like if you nearly died in a previous birth and you wanna go unassisted this time round... I'd probably tell you maybe you should reconsider.

In the end, I decided on a home birth.

I never really looked forward to having my baby. I didn't ever get that longing to hold him or to see him. I didn't even want to know what he looked like. Even when he kicked and rolled, it made me shudder instead of smile. I guess all of this was warning signs that I wasn't coping but I just didn't listen to it. I guess its kinda hard to look forward to something you honestly didn't believe was going to happen.

And all of the stuff that was going to happen after I had him wasn't worth thinking about because I would just want to crawl under a rock and stay there.



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