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(RL) The First Trimester

I really feel like since I started writing about this, I have already started feeling a bit better. I'm not sure if it's the fact that I can be completely honest while writing and not feel guilty about how I felt or if it's the fact that I can read over it as if it's not me who was going through this and I can analyse it a bit better and start to pick things apart in my brain. Either way, it's helping so I'll continue.

This is the first part here: Finding Out

So let me start by asking one question: Whoever said "morning sickness" is fucking liar. It should be called all day and night sickness. It was horrible. In and out of the bathroom constantly gagging. Nothing spelled particularly bad and I could eat normally. I was just gagging and puking all the time. It's pretty normal though, so I guess I couldn't complain too much about that.

About three weeks before I found out I was pregnant, I had left a really secure job with a company I really liked, I had been working there for over three years. I left because I was headhunted by a woman who was in the process of opening her own business and she needed a manager. My work background is mostly in the hospitality industry but I am also a tattoo artist and I do nails (go figure :P). She needed someone quickly and I honestly couldn't turn down the opportunity to get some experience in opening a restaurant and getting that on my CV.

I got back from holiday, had told my ex boyfriend and I was now in a job that I had no security in. The only thing I could hold onto was the fact that I did an amazing job at opening the store. I literally got everything ready in three weeks for her and it opened without a hitch. I had to bite the bullet and tell her as soon as possible so the first day I came back in, I asked her to have a meeting with me. I cried when I told her but she assured me that it was fine, that my job was safe and that she'd support me any way she could. She was a fucking liar.

So being tired and forgetful is awful in the first few weeks and I was no different. To make a long story short she pushed me out. I was better off resigning that having her fire me. She made me feel like I was shit at my job and that I wasn't doing anything right. She said I was aggressive and loads of other stuff that wasn't true. I remember coming home the night that I resigned and just sitting on my bed, tears streaming down my face and just feeling hopeless. It felt like there was such a heavy weight on my shoulders and I felt like I couldn't breathe. I was living in London, single, pregnant, no family around me and now I was unemployed too. The only thing I could think about was myself. If I wasn't pregnant, none of this would matter. That's when I started going hysterical.

I emailed and called some family planning clinics, leaving my name and number and begging for them to give me an appointment as soon as possible because I couldn't do this, I couldn't cope. I had it in my head that I was going to have an abortion and all of my problems would go away. I would like to listen to some of the messages I left, I bet I sounded like a crazy bitch on the phone.I was desperate to get rid of this thing in my womb. Well for a day or two I was, anyway.

I got some calls back from the clinics and After speaking to the first lady on the phone I told her I was sorry I had called, I had panicked. I do not disagree with abortion, in fact I am very pro choice. But that's not something I could do myself. I thought I could but I guess I didn't have it in me. I'm not entirely sure I would ever get over the mental trauma I would put myself through if I went ahead with it. I can't kill a spider without feeling bad about it for weeks. It's pretty pathetic really.

So I don't know how the maternity services work in other parts of the world but in England it's mostly midwife led. If you are a high risk patient then you would be under the care of a consultant. I was low risk. My midwife called me and I had my booking appointment a few days before my 12 week scan. She was lovely. She made me feel at ease and answered all the questions I was too afraid to even ask. She read me very well. For one, I was not giving birth through my vagina. Fuck. That. Other womens vaginas might stretch like that, mine doesn't. I told her that I was going to give birth through a nice clean incision in my stomach and there wasn't anything she could do to stop me. Again, fear.

She wasn't trying to stop me, she wrote it down and told me I would need to speak to some people but it should be fine as long as it was a genuine fear. It was.

During my first twelve weeks, I tried as hard as I could to ignore that I was pregnant. I tried to ignore that there was a little parasite buried in my womb, getting bigger by the day and pretty soon it was going to be too big to stay in there anymore. It was going to come out and I was going to be a mother. I didn't talk about being pregnant to anyone and they didn't talk about it to me. It was the elephant in the room that nobody wanted to talk about, least of all me. I'm not sure how you can actually ignore the fact that you're pregnant but I did manage for a while. I managed right up to the point where I was stood outside the sonographers room with my mam. After that, everything went to hell.

You know the paper cloth they give you to tuck into your trousers to stop that jelly from going onto your clothes? I was so scared I tucked it under my top, not the band of my jeans. Cool. My whole body was trembling. So bad that the guy went and got a nurse to check my blood pressure andsat me back outside for fifteen minutes before we started. I went back in and he put the doppler on my stomach and bam. There it was. Right in front of me on a screen was my baby. Its arms and legs were moving and its head was turning.

I was so numb, the only thing I remember after that was hearing his heartbeat. I lay as still as possible, crying my heart out. I don't even know why I was crying so much. It wasn't tears of joy, I wasn't sad. I was so overwhelmed that I just don't think I knew how to react and I broke down instead. But it was at that point that I stopped ignoring it. I knew I was pregnant. Those 8 pregnancy tests that I had done were all right. There was actually a baby in there.

Honestly, I was still unsure if I even wanted any of it or even if I could cope but now I had no choice.

Put up or shut up.

Comments

( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
heartmyclover
Jun. 12th, 2015 12:26 am (UTC)
I was that way with baby #4. It was an unwanted pregnancy, I considered abortion. We had a 4 month old and we fought all the time. I didnt even tell anyone until after 16 weeks. Even then, I refused to acknowledge the pregnancy until he was almost born.
mamarubberducky
Jun. 17th, 2015 06:29 pm (UTC)
I considered it but I couldn't actually bring myself to do it. I just think I got so scared that I damn near had a breakdown. Scary AF.
ashleychantel25
Jun. 12th, 2015 12:48 pm (UTC)

I completely know what you're feeling. I actually started the adoption process and did that for the first 4 months of my pregnancy. It was so stressful. I decided to keep him eventually. Most days I'd never trade him for the world. Sure I think about what things would be like if I went i with the adoption. But i can't imagine my life without my lil turd.


Everyone's pregnancy is different. I felt great aside from being exhausted all the time. My best friend tho was sick constantly. Went to the hospital a few times for dehydration. All turned out well in the end. As I'm sure it will for you, one way or another.  :)

mamarubberducky
Jun. 17th, 2015 06:31 pm (UTC)
I had thought about adoption after not going through with the abortion actually. For me I didn't do it because I couldn't stand the thought of someone else with my child and the fear that I would regret it the second I signed those papers. xx
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )

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